Feel Love

"When I was young, played them. Junior High, played them. High School, well, you know, played them. How me and my friends used to laugh about it, how we fade them, now Cupid's aiming his aarow right back at me. How more nonchalant could I be, with you here staring at me, with the most beautiful eyes that a nigga ever seen. You're pulling emotional vibes on my soul, look at me. You've got my heart beating like my back was filled with batteries. It's the first time I'm feel love."

Ok, wow.

Oh goodness. The situations I get myself into. Three girls. Two are the ones fighting my heart the most. The third one has potential but it's not there completely yet. However, two of these girls happen to be my ex. Any time I get to know another girl or find interest, here you come. I always get that one message that just keeps me involved with you. I hate getting messages from you. It's like you know the perfect shit to say that fucks up my whole day; I thought that all these feelings went away. However, I still text you back saying I miss you too. You know where my heart is and you make it a slight point to make it seem like you're interested, but I just never know. You have a guy who tells you he loves you and you tell me you don't say it back and that you guys aren't dating. I don't know if that's giving me an oppurtunity to move in and make something happen or if I am supposed to keep us as friends until a later time. I want it now to be honest. As for my most recent ex, you tell me time after time you are in love with me. Over and over and over again I hear it, and I love to hear it. You and I have the best time in the world together and when I kiss you, everything just disappears. I know how you are when it comes to flirting with other guys and you hold on to your past just as much as I do with Emily. I know that I can't be mad there, because I do the same. You also have a guy. You tell me you are in love with me while you are around him though. So, obviously you are being honest with your feelings. I can't wait to see you today. The question I'm asking myself is who would I want to see more? Is that question even possible to answer? Now, for the girl I'm talking to now, we have awesome conversations and we get along great. Buttttt,,, we have the middle school awkward stage that everyone has.... IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. I haven't dealt with that in a loong time. I would back out of this easily right now, but guess what? We had to kiss and make it harder on me. That's all I have to say as of right now.

Whew.

Whoa. I thought it sucked to have no girls interested or any "love" life but now that it is hitting me out of nowhere, it's so much to deal with. I am stuck in one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to deal with. I say this to her and this to her and then this to her. What am I doing? I don't have a clue. I like this one soo much and then I see the other one and the amount is attraction is almost equal. Lord, give me a sign. I don't have another option.

Open Doors.

Wow. That's the only word that comes into my head once I think about my single life after the breakup. I see people who I would never think be interested that are now interested, new people and old people. I don't know what to think. My positioning is never to be a player or let more than one thing at a time happen. I have avoided a lot of these people and let them know. Instead of looking for a relationship, I'm going to see how things grow as being friends for now and see how that ends up. My philosophy is that if you grow to become best friends with a person, a relationship with them will be incredible because you know exactly what they look for, what they like, and most of all, you can be so close to them and be more comfortable than ever. What will happen? I will just see...

New Horizons.

It's over. Time to be along side of Jason Derulo and to get it in like Mike a.k.a. "The Situation".

The beginning of the end..

Today is probably where it's over. One more oppurtunity to see how I feel and realize what is best for me. I know this thing is now one sided and it barely has that much to be said. I am going in to today wishing for a return that may be less predictable to come back than the return of the Lord himself. I want it, but if not, forget it. I know I have options and others that will care for me and will not be stubborn the way she is. I feel as if we are just letting this relationship being dragged along and not caring. More from her side than mine. It's fine though because saying more here than what the title says, today is more than likely the end..

How will it turn out?

School changes everything for me. No worries, doubt, or wondering. Friends do an ever job with that. I think to myself, "hmm.. what causes me to think this at school, but outside of it, the whole perspective changes?" The answer still hasn't presented itself. The time spent seems to make it worse almost. It is confusing and weird. atirnisat, ittmtaf? too much to say...

coming together.

Hmm.. seems like things have became better in such small amounts of time. Old friendships becoming new again for one. I don't want to lose new ones though because my urge to gain these old ones. Ok, besides that, things are better. I got things settled out and said how I felt. It seemed to work.. or least I hope. Let's not speak too early. Life's new light shined upon me today. Let's hope it continues to blind me because clouds repeatedly block it. Every song I listen to feels like my life is being spoke about which only makes my thoughts deeper. They all remind me of you and make everything that is even close to our relationship, description wise, be put to the test. My mind is just at a continuous cycle of repeated circumstances that interfere with us and it keeps me wondering. In the end, I remember what I have been through to have this chance and how I don't regret one single thing. It has all fallen into place. The only thing that could make this the least bit better is if we were both where we should be with God. Well, I guess I will speak for myself because behind closed doors, who knows what you and your relationship with him is like. I know when it comes to me, that I have this camp each summer that ignites me, but the flame is always abolished by my selfishness with my time. I don't want my time spent for no one else but myself. What a horrible thing, but true. Ok, well all I feel needed to be released, is now open for your eyes.

Blah.

Oh yes.
Starts wonderful.
An hour passes,
here comes typical.
Where did it happen,
what made it turn,
a month ago,
thats what I yearn,
for,
what happened to before,
all of my emotions begin to hit the floor,
they all begin to pour,
for some reason my mind just soars.

hmmm...

Oh. This can't be it. It seems like where I have been has been it. As each day passes, it becomes so much more obvious that I need to relax, kick back, and quit worrying. It only leads to me making my life stressful. I know that I compare myself to those who aren't comparable because of our lifestyles, which is a habit that I hate with a passion, but it just continues to cross my mind. Why can't I be happy with who I am? This thought has never been here either. It only happens at this time in my life. Any other time, it is if my life is a breeze. Who knows. I am happy but miserable with myself. It does not make sense. I guess it is something that will have to go away on its own. Each time spent with friends is such a relief to my thoughts. It is much easier. It may just be because of the things I am used to which makes this so unrelatable, but it didn't start that way. It was wonderful and I want that wonderful back. I still enjoy it, but I am feeling as if it is weird now. I hate it. A lot. I will just hang in there and see how it goes and hope that this doesn't ruin anything because many know how I feel.